There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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