When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
