I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
