I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Randomize
