he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
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