Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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