new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
