I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
