I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
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