Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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