i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
