It was confusing and full of hummus
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
