he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Randomize
