I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
