I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Is it because I queefed?
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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