Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
