i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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