your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
