I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
