I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
