You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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