My Higher Power is John Stamos
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
