there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
