I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Its about making memories worth repressing
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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