so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
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