do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
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