Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Randomize
