Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
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