Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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