I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
We're too hungover to prance.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
