Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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