mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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