Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
