i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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