So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Randomize
