i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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