She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
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