I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
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