I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize