Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
