yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
