Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
