I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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