At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize