I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
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