i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
