she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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