remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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