i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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