Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize