if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Girls should come with a carfax report
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
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