Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Randomize
