well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Randomize
