I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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