Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Betty ford says i'm here all night
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
