i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
